How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
