I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
