I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
