I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
