Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
