He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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