Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
