i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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