i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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