I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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