If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
