Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
