Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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