Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
