just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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