We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
