omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
