Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
