I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
