I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
