just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
