i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
