There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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