You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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