I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
