So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize