I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
