One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize