my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
