im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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