It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
