mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
