This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
