you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
