My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
