mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
