so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
