Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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