I am puke
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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