Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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