Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
