I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
