we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
