My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
