i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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