I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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