I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
