I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
