I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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