i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and i looked up. we had an audience...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
