Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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