So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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