Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I want a musical about memes.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
