I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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