the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
