the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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