see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
