What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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