ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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