Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
