I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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