life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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