Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
