Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
