uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
