I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
pray to the hookup gods
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
