Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
