don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
