So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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