i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
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