I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize