I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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