Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
